Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Countdown Begins...

Here it is a Sunday night...not just any Sunday night, but the last Sunday in November.  December 1 is tomorrow.  2014 will be ending in 31 days.  There was been such a war within in me these last few weeks. 

As you can see this year, I have completely fallen off from my blog writing.  As I take inventory of myself during 2014, I have completely fallen off on the majority of things in my life.  I won't list them all here, but last week I commented to a friend, my life is just completely out of control.  Why?

The Why actually hurts my heart to say.  But I must be honest with myself because I know it is only in my honesty that I can begin to change.  Why...cause I have lost my love for God. I have forgotten the foundation of my relationship with my Lord and Savior.  I have forgotten to Seek Ye First... 

There is such an emptiness within me, I feel like I am dying.  I had a dream last night, it was kind of weird  I don't have complete understanding of the dream, but to dream that I was bleeding from several areas of my body, can not in any way represent anything positive.  In my dream I was bleeding from my arm, my nose and my forehead, like someone had cut my forehead right along my hair line and I just saw the blood dripping from my forehead.  In the dream as I was sitting in the chair, I was thinking why am I bleeding.  As I think about the dream now, I am a little concerned that I was wondering why I was bleeding as opposed to trying to stop the bleeding.  I guess that also depicts my just complacent, nonchalant attitude about things that I should be more concerned about. 

There was a time that I had such peace, I was content, borderline happy.  I remember thinking at times that I was truly enjoying life.  That was my favorite thing I was enjoying life while having this fantastic relationship with God!  Growing up I always ran into "church" people that gave this impression, that being in church equalled no fun.  There are times church is not fun, but my relationship with God was not just about church. I have had awesome times with God, just me and him, without being in church.  These are truly the moments I miss.  About this time last year, I was very deeply hurt, and without even having the opportunity to go talk to anyone about the issue, He was right there to talk me through it.  I remember waking up the morning after and He was singing to me.  God sang to me!  To me...yup me, Little ole me.  And it touched my heart so, and brought me to tears, that my big great God, would even think to sing a song to me. 

I am hurt very much again almost exactly a year later.  And he again is still talking me through.  I am not gonna lie, this time, it's a bit harder.  He helped me last year with a hurt done by a man.  This year I need help with the hurt I have done to myself.  The hurt I have done to myself by walking away from him.  The hurt I have cause from letting my desire and wants come before Him.  The hurt I have caused from my own self will, my own disobedience, my own rebellion...I hurt.  I hurt deeply. I hurt a hurt I have yet to feel before. I have been so wrapped up in me, and doing what I wanted, it has completely overtaken me.  How quickly I have forgotten his promises to me.  How quickly I have forgotten to have no other gods before him.  How quickly my heart has backslidden, how quickly my heart has gotten cold, how quickly my heart has become hardened.  Letting go of all these things that have drawn me away is hard.  I do good one day and the next day those same things are pulling at me and like the addict I go, I follow, I allow to be overtaken. 

My heart today is truly broken for I now know what it feels like not to have love returned.  After all the times he has been chasing, after all the times he has called, and I turned away and ignored him.  My God is hurt, I realize today, He is hurt.  And now I am hurt, hurt the way He is hurt.  I think it was September when a friend and I had the awkward conversation of our feelings.  We both said we had "more than friend feelings".  It has been a month since I have seen him, or even spoken to him, calls and text unreturned.  That hurts, I feel so rejected and deeply hurt.  I have no idea what is going on with him, if he's okay, or nothing.  30 days of no communication.  I want to be angry with this guy but I can't be.  There is a lesson to learn in every situation.  This unfortunately is a hard lesson to learn, but definitely a lesson that needs to be learned. 

This morning as I was driving around, my mind clicked and said, is this how you feel God, when I didn't respond to you?  If this is just a small portion of his feelings when I don't return his call...I owe him the biggest apology. God doesn't deserve this from me.  He has been the loving gentleman he always has been, and I have been distracted, I have ignored my greatest love, and His big heart hurts deeply for I have rejected Him.  In my feelings of rejection that I feel from Mr. Man, I relate to the rejection that I have served up undeservingly to God.

I don't want to wait until January 1 to make change, I am trying to change now before the year ends.  Tomorrow is not promised to me, but every day I am striving to do my best to return to my Lord. 

In years past this blog has been such a great outlet for me.  It was very therapeutic, it was a place I could be honest with no judgment.  So I plan to come back, hopefully before January 1.  Things will likely change on this blog, time to add some other parts of my journey on here, cause my weight loss, healthier living journey is just not a natural one.  Hope to stick with me, but if not, its completely okay.  I understand. 


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