3 Days in...

Start the third day of the New Year!  There is so much in my head and my heart, I don't know if I can contain it in a post!

My excitement for the New Year continues.  With that excitement comes some serious heart and life issue that I must deal with.  It is so easy for me to fall into guilt, shame, and depression, when I consider what all I have to take care of! 

I started off the New Year with one of my loves, take pictures.  I started 2015 at a neighborhood park watching the first sun rise of the year.  This is my second year doing this, and it is the most amazing thing.  Yes the sun rises every year, but it just seems like that first sun rise is better.  It was really cold that morning..39 degrees.  When I got to the park it was dark, I was alone, no one was there yet.  I didn't want to get cold and for safety reasons I stayed in the car until my friend showed up.  Even the the moments of darkness in my car, my eyes caught these 2 amazing trees in front of me.  They were beautiful!  My eyes began to wander and again, I caught a glimpse of lights coming from some of the houses in the neighboring hills.  I don't know what it is, but the smallest light in darkness is so pretty.  My eyes kept wandering around the darkness and much to my surprise I could see the highrises of downtown Los Angeles!  Here I am at a park maybe 12-15 miles away and in the darkness, I can make out the lights and words on the buildings.  I could see Citibank, U.S. Bank, Aon...amazing!  That made me get out of the car with my camera in hand.  I was determined to get a good shot of Downtown in this darkness!  Well all my attempts falled, it was so cold my hands were shaking and every picture was blurry!  Oh well I said, I got back in the car...and boom...Life lesson! 

Even in the darkest of situation there is good, there is beauty!  Darkness is not blindness!  As dark as it was, my eyes were fully functioning and I could see.   I saw alot in the darkness!  But why?  Because I took the time to look!  It made me think of that scripture ears to hear, eyes to see.  Clearly not a direct bible quote, but you get the gist.  We have eyes, but are we using them to see what is around us?  We really don't have to be succumb to the darkness around us.  Yes there is a lot of darkness and lots of bad times, but in those bad and dark times, there is something of beauty in it, there is someting good in it.  I just have to make my eyes wander and look for the good!

My friend arrived and we ventured to spot where we thought we'd see the sun come up.  I have noticed that the sun likes to play and hide and seek.  We stood in area looking for the colors in the sky to change and we saw nothing.  We walked over to another area, in the same park and the sky was completely different.  We could see the oranges, and the reds and the yellows. We knew that the sun was coming up over here!  Now the sky is pretty darn big, but its amazing how at that moment time.  the sky was many different colors.  If you looked one way, you could see "sunrise" colors, another area it was grayish blue, and in another area it was completely blue and very light, like the sun had already came up!  It takes but a few minutes from the moment we saw the sun peak up from behind the mountain to it full risen state.  The sunrise is beautiful, but its the changing in the sky that always captures my attention.  It's like God puts on a pre-show before the sun comes up!  Those 15-20 minutes before the sunrise is just spectacular! 

After my sunrise adventure I meet a friend for breakfast.  We don't hang out that often but when we do, we seem to always have these heartfelt conversations.  I don't really consider myself a people person, and certainly don't open up to people.  But somehow this friend, that I have only known for a short time, I feel comfortable with.  I tell her things, that I have never told anyone.  She is really easy to talk to and she gets me, well I think she gets me.  She understands what I am trying to say when I can't really phrase it well.  So after our 2 hours in Ihop...yes we ate and sat in IHOP talking for 2 hours! She left, saying well, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to check in on you, to make sure you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.  I told her that was fine, I needed the help.  Even me saying I need help, is a big step, but we'll save that one for another day.

Friday (day 2 of the New Year) nothing to Epic to write about.  I had to work, just is just so useless, so boring.  I hate being there, I really do.  But I need a pay check. 

So here we are the beginning of day 3.  What a day it has already been!  My doctor had recommended to me that I attend these overeaters anonymous meetings.  TRUTH:  when she first recommended it, in my head I said, I am not going.  I really refused to go, and every time she asked about hte meetings, I made up an excuse as to why I had not gone.  I had my monthly check in with my doctor and in her usual fashion she asked if I started the meetings.  I said no, and again said, but I will.  Full well knowing I had no real intention of going!  Something changed with me from Dec 15th to Dec 31st, because here I was on the computer when I got back from Vegas looking for a meeting I could attend.  I sent 2 emails and I got one response and here I am, January 3rd, I have attended my first meeting. 

Most of the meeting was alot of talking.  Which we all know I am not a fan of, but there were some things that were said that were helpful and motivational for me. 

1. God will do for me what I can not do for myself
2. I am among equals, I am not better than and I am not less than.  We are all equals
3. Admit you are Powerless
4. Ask for Help (again a discussion for a later date)
5. Feeling disconnected is essentially lacking love
6. Ask God to change your perception

I could write ooodles on these,, and like I said it was random people talking.  People went forward and shared there experiences and these are some of the things said that rang true for me.  Looking over this list, that I wrote.  on the back of a christmas card I had in my purse since I didn't bring a notebook, much of it relates to things I put on my vision board. 

As with anything new and with my overly critical nature on the drive home, my thoughts about the meeting ran through my head.  Thoughts of well I didn't like this, I don't like that, I am not sure if this is for me.  I got off the freeway and decided to stop at the 99 cent store for a notebook.  I figure I will need a notebook just for these meetings.  I parked  and I sat in the car for a while and bursted out in tears!  TRUTH:  On the drive from Santa Monica to the 99cent Store I had almost talked myself out of continuing these meetings.  TRUTH: It was in the few moments of just sitting in the car I realized I have a problem with asking for help!  I sent a text to my pastor while I was sitting in the parking lot.  My text was: 

There is a part of me that likes being a problem solver.  But I'm the problem and I can't fix me.

The response:  Yes, now we can surrender to God

Which made me think of #1:  God will do for me what I can't for myself. 

The words I Can't as of today, January 3 have a completely new meaning for me.  I can't do this in my own strength, I can't do this on my own period...I need help, I can't rely on will power.  I will rely On Jesus, cause HE WILL do everything. 

So on that note, I end this post.  There is much more to say.  I could talk about how this has exposed a whole other area of PRIDE, UNBELIEF, etc, but enough has been said.  I have 362 other opportunities to write and I am sure at some point all these things will be discussed or at least come up again.

But now I need to rename this blog...It's no longer just about Fitness.  It's about everything.  At somepoint the name will change not sure, but if you come on here and see a new name, you'll know why.

The Countdown Begins...

Here it is a Sunday night...not just any Sunday night, but the last Sunday in November.  December 1 is tomorrow.  2014 will be ending in 31 days.  There was been such a war within in me these last few weeks. 

As you can see this year, I have completely fallen off from my blog writing.  As I take inventory of myself during 2014, I have completely fallen off on the majority of things in my life.  I won't list them all here, but last week I commented to a friend, my life is just completely out of control.  Why?

The Why actually hurts my heart to say.  But I must be honest with myself because I know it is only in my honesty that I can begin to change.  Why...cause I have lost my love for God. I have forgotten the foundation of my relationship with my Lord and Savior.  I have forgotten to Seek Ye First... 

There is such an emptiness within me, I feel like I am dying.  I had a dream last night, it was kind of weird  I don't have complete understanding of the dream, but to dream that I was bleeding from several areas of my body, can not in any way represent anything positive.  In my dream I was bleeding from my arm, my nose and my forehead, like someone had cut my forehead right along my hair line and I just saw the blood dripping from my forehead.  In the dream as I was sitting in the chair, I was thinking why am I bleeding.  As I think about the dream now, I am a little concerned that I was wondering why I was bleeding as opposed to trying to stop the bleeding.  I guess that also depicts my just complacent, nonchalant attitude about things that I should be more concerned about. 

There was a time that I had such peace, I was content, borderline happy.  I remember thinking at times that I was truly enjoying life.  That was my favorite thing I was enjoying life while having this fantastic relationship with God!  Growing up I always ran into "church" people that gave this impression, that being in church equalled no fun.  There are times church is not fun, but my relationship with God was not just about church. I have had awesome times with God, just me and him, without being in church.  These are truly the moments I miss.  About this time last year, I was very deeply hurt, and without even having the opportunity to go talk to anyone about the issue, He was right there to talk me through it.  I remember waking up the morning after and He was singing to me.  God sang to me!  To me...yup me, Little ole me.  And it touched my heart so, and brought me to tears, that my big great God, would even think to sing a song to me. 

I am hurt very much again almost exactly a year later.  And he again is still talking me through.  I am not gonna lie, this time, it's a bit harder.  He helped me last year with a hurt done by a man.  This year I need help with the hurt I have done to myself.  The hurt I have done to myself by walking away from him.  The hurt I have cause from letting my desire and wants come before Him.  The hurt I have caused from my own self will, my own disobedience, my own rebellion...I hurt.  I hurt deeply. I hurt a hurt I have yet to feel before. I have been so wrapped up in me, and doing what I wanted, it has completely overtaken me.  How quickly I have forgotten his promises to me.  How quickly I have forgotten to have no other gods before him.  How quickly my heart has backslidden, how quickly my heart has gotten cold, how quickly my heart has become hardened.  Letting go of all these things that have drawn me away is hard.  I do good one day and the next day those same things are pulling at me and like the addict I go, I follow, I allow to be overtaken. 

My heart today is truly broken for I now know what it feels like not to have love returned.  After all the times he has been chasing, after all the times he has called, and I turned away and ignored him.  My God is hurt, I realize today, He is hurt.  And now I am hurt, hurt the way He is hurt.  I think it was September when a friend and I had the awkward conversation of our feelings.  We both said we had "more than friend feelings".  It has been a month since I have seen him, or even spoken to him, calls and text unreturned.  That hurts, I feel so rejected and deeply hurt.  I have no idea what is going on with him, if he's okay, or nothing.  30 days of no communication.  I want to be angry with this guy but I can't be.  There is a lesson to learn in every situation.  This unfortunately is a hard lesson to learn, but definitely a lesson that needs to be learned. 

This morning as I was driving around, my mind clicked and said, is this how you feel God, when I didn't respond to you?  If this is just a small portion of his feelings when I don't return his call...I owe him the biggest apology. God doesn't deserve this from me.  He has been the loving gentleman he always has been, and I have been distracted, I have ignored my greatest love, and His big heart hurts deeply for I have rejected Him.  In my feelings of rejection that I feel from Mr. Man, I relate to the rejection that I have served up undeservingly to God.

I don't want to wait until January 1 to make change, I am trying to change now before the year ends.  Tomorrow is not promised to me, but every day I am striving to do my best to return to my Lord. 

In years past this blog has been such a great outlet for me.  It was very therapeutic, it was a place I could be honest with no judgment.  So I plan to come back, hopefully before January 1.  Things will likely change on this blog, time to add some other parts of my journey on here, cause my weight loss, healthier living journey is just not a natural one.  Hope to stick with me, but if not, its completely okay.  I understand. 

A perspective change...

I have always hated taking pictures. I try to avoid them at all cost. I am overly critical of myself so in every picture I judge, I criticize, I put myself down. Always full of shame, always embarrassed. I did not like the me that I see.

After being on this journey of taking control of my health, I know in my head much progress has been made but when I look at me very little progress do I see. I still judge, criticize and put down and still don't like the person I see.

So here we years years into a journey and here is a picture of me. The first of pictures where I first see the change that has happened to me. My first thought was not a thought of judging and criticizing, it was a though of awe and realization . I saw something I had never seen before, A changed me. I even said to myself that I looked pretty in the picture. Words that have never been thought of and definitely not words ever spoken from my mouth. But the thought came and I hope in time that that thought will take a place in heart and become truth I can embrace. Yes a truth I can embrace...after so many years of not liking the person I see...I want a truth I can embrace.

I can't stop crying! I'm typing on my phone and in tears. I don't even know if these are tears of joy or tears of sadness...but years none the less. I feel like today, well last night May 2nd, the hate I have for myself was changing. I never thought that my self perception would or could change. This is truly so shocking for me. I never expected this, never knew this was possible.

My Destination was fitness and HIS destination is transformation ...inside out and in all areas. Continue to change my mind, my thoughts, and my heart. Transform me!

Tuesday Night Night Cap

The day has winded away!  Its been a while (again) sits I have updated anything.  Oops!  Work has been busy...so updating in the day time has not been able to take place and I have been so tired at nights I have not posted at night.  So here I am again, just making a quick post for the sake posting sake! :0)

I won't bore you with the what I ate, what exercise I did, but I am writing tonight from the...What's eatting you perspective.  Many years ago, I was told it not what I eat, but what's eatting me that is the root to my weight issue.  It took me a while to embrace that saying..but its so true.  Have you ever gone a week eat extremely worked out like crazy and then sit back and realize it made no difference on the scale, but something with in you is not right or you are just plain unhappy?  Been there done that...and I am back to it again.

I am back on the roller coaster of emotions.  It took me at least 4 days to realize I was on it.  But the rollercoaster came to a screeching halt last Friday night.  Then Friday night was a night of crying, tears, and facing the reality of what I was feeling about certain situations.  We all get hurt, and I know for me I always pacify the situation with saying it's okay, no worries, I will be okay...and I just keep it pushing.  So like a pimple that has been squeezed....I popped and out come all the emotions! I had been getting very angry, and bitter about expectations that people put on me...and almost borderline demand me to do.  And it had gotten so bad it was coming on all fronts, personal life, work, church, family...etc.  I was beginning to think the whole world has gone mad!  I truly felt like I had the weight of the universe on my this past week! 

So I got lots of release on Saturday during prayer, or at least so I thought and what I thought was healing and closure on Monday.  But today...my little heart was truly blessed...truly healed, truly made whole, truly BROKEN to its core and it came from the most unexpected place.  Where do you ask?  From a child!  The sweet, the genuine act of a child.  It could not get any more pure and real that for it to come from a child!   After questioning if anything mattered, if anything I do to try to help people matters, and if they even cared? 

So today here I am again going to give money to someone.  And I was thinking, to myself they probably have no idea what all I have gone through and sacrificed for them to have this money.  I just knew in my mind they would not appreciate it, that they probably wouldn't do what they said they would do with it.  But I said I would give it so, in an attempt to keep my word, I still gave the money.  But today it was different.  When I called them to come outside, she came outside, she is just a kid, but her face was just lit with happiness, she was grinning ear to ear, and she as truly just grateful.  I was shocked..I had never seen or felt what I was feeling from sitting in my car.  She started to walk away and I was in tears.  All I could say to myself, is oh my God, after everything I had been feeling...I needed to see her reaction.  And then I was reminded that not everyone will receive things in the right spirit.  If I had closed myself off completely to helping people, the ones that do need it will miss out.  So for all the wrong that had been done by others, it does not outweigh me knowing that there was one, that is appreciative and grateful..and I am helping and making a difference in her life....I hope!  :0) So today and from this day forward..I do it for the One!  The One that will take it and run with it! 

I know none of this will make sense to anyone..but oh well!  This one's for me!  Night Night Folks! 

What Did It Take

This was a different weekend for me. I didn't do much at all. It was a lazy weekend, but a much needed weekend.

This weekend I spent alot of time around people that for some reason or another wants to lose weight. Times like these I just listen. I listen to the things people say they are struggling with, what they want to accomplish, what they are gonna do and not gonna do. You know all the normal and typical stuff we say when we want to lose weight. As much as I understand every comment that was made, and even though I can relate to everything being said, it made me think. What Did It Take for me to be committed to the idea of weight loss?

I don't in any way shape for form, dare to say I have conquered this journey. I certainly have not. I struggle DAILY, yes DAILY, with my eating and excercising. But what made me want to stop? What cause me to be more conscience about my health and well being.

I really do sit back and think what was it? I can't pin point any particular answer, but I know that I had gotten to a point of complete unhappiness and frustration with myself. Before I got to attempting to eating healthy and excercising, I did attempt to have lap band surgery and backed out of it. To this day I still get phone calls from collections agency for money for some pre-op stuff I had to get done before the lap band surgery. I promise you I regret the day, I went to meet with those doctors about Lap Band. It still haunts me! But I am glad I did not do it. Why? It just don't believe it was for me. There is a price to pay for every decision made, and I am to the point where I knew that lap band would have been a mistake for me. I wanted to lose weight, but I was not ready to switch or change my eating habits.

The power of choice is awesome! What we choose today will affect our futures. Every choice shapes our tomorrow. Every choice can take us one step closer to our goals or it can take us 2 steps further away from our goals. We can choose to stay unhealthy and unhappy or we can choose to change.

Change...is well...scary! The life of the unknown is intimidating. It brings up fear and lots of insecurities and lots of uncertainites. But risks are worth taking..especially if the goal is positive and rewarding! And isn't a life of health and wellness a positive and rewarding goal? Isn't the feeling of loose clothing awesome? Isn't the feeling of not being winded when you walk for 20 minutes...just so exciting? Ladies and Gentlemen who may read this, the reward of weight loss is just not a number on a scale. Remember that! Think about the way your body feel, the new found energy you have. The inches off your waist, your hips, your bust, and even your thighs. The inner strength you gain and the physical abilities that you gain!

Even now...I cherish the small victories along my weight loss journey. I was so excited the day when I could sit in the pedicure chair and get both arms of the chair down! It was truly a first in years! And that moment of victory was worth more than any number on a scale!

The day I couldn't get through the turn style at Magic Mountain...an embarrasing moment. My second trip to Magic Mountain maybe 3 months later...I could get through the turn style! Another happy moment! Another moment cherished greater than a fluctuating number on a scale!

And even earlier this week, when I attempted to run outdoors! I did it! Something I could not do a year ago! Another moment to cherish, another memory that can never be taken away.

Cherish those moments! These are the moments and memories that remain! The scale goes up and the scale goes down! But Cherish the Memories along the journey! And continue to take one step at a time! Stay encouraged...I say that to myself and to anyone who may read this. Stay encouraged.

Rough Day...

The title sums it up.  It was rough day.  I woke up feeling like I was hit by a bus.  Even though I slept enough hours, I just woke up feeling I was beat up during hte night.  I don't know why.  Then at about 11am, I had a massive headache, that did not go away until about 4pm.  I had the worst and longest bus ride home!  I dreaded going to work, and I despised being there today!   

I'll chalk this up to the Tuesday Blues, but I was so not in the mood for much today.  So no physical activity took place today.  I might try to hit hte gym later tonight, but let's be real, I came home from bible study and put on my pajamas. So the likelihood of me, changing clothes again, to go workout is very slim, but its nice that I had the thought! 

Something has been bugging me all day, and since this is my sounding board, I am just gonna put it out there.  I question myself alot about the things I do, and why I am not able to do certain things.  I was on the bus this morning reading the stage 3 materials of the Run Your Butt Off Book, and I hear, why don't you apply this same discipline to prayer?  C O N V I C T I O N is a ....  But seriously, why is it that its so easy for me to open up that Run Your Butt Off Book this morning, but didn't pick up my bible to read it?  The whole day has gone by and I did not spend 2 seconds reading the bible! 

Why is it I can force to my self to go walk or excercise, but I don't force myself to read the bible.  And I certainly don't force myself to pray.  Why?  Why?  What does that say about my so called love for God?  What does that say about my so called relationship with God?  Why is it easier for me to sit and this computer and blog about my eating and excercising and I can't spend any time with God.  The One who I say is my friend, my creator, Father...and more deeply, the God that loves me more that I could ever imagine?  Why o Why do I neglect God?  I wish I knew why.  I wish the perceived discpline I have to attempt to lose weight would transfer into my spiritual life...my prayer life...my relationship with God. 

I am seriously bothered by this.  I didn't feel right at all today.  I really didn't.  Do you remember when you were in High School and after graduation everyone promised they would keep in touch, and you did for a while but then after a while there was no more contact with the High School buddies?  I feel like that right now about my walk God.  I always promise that I wil pray that I will read my bible, and that usually lasts for a few days...yes seriously...just a few days, and then I am gone off to other things for months and then I hit a brick wall and realize wow, I left God again!

I really am glad He said, He would never leave me or forsake me!  What's sad and very hurtful to admit, is that I am the one always leaving Him.  I am the one that continually forsakes Him.  I have again abandoned Him.  He has never left me, He really hasn't.  I can't ever say that He has..He has never left me.  Why do I leave?   Why do I continue to be lured away and driven by my desires?  

Tonight at bible study we had a breif lesson on the Beatitudes, and the scripture, Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled.
Hunger & Thirst for righteousness....hmm.  I can hunger and thirst for food and soda really well.  I excel at that, but again I ask, where is my hunger & thirst for the things God? 

The prodigal child must return home to her Father. 

Thursday Recap

Howdy, Feel asleep last night before I update my events for the day.  Looking back on yesterday, I had an awesome day!  I have to get deep here for a minute, so as most Church Folks would say, Imma take a short Personal Praise Break! :0)

Yesterday I had on my schedule to go to Spin Class & to walk/jog for 30 minutes.  Thursdays I love going to spin class because I really love the instructor.  I got home, was supposed to change and go spin, but that did not happen.  I honestly sat on the floor in the living room, and seriously got caught up songs/videos on Youtube!  I have many many playlists set up on Youtube, but yesterday some of those songs, just pierced me.  I was in tears, rejoicing and praising from the living room floor.  It is very very much out of my character be screaming, and stuff but I was there yesterday!  I even woke up this morning singing one of the songs from last night, so I must share.  I honestly don't know who really wrote or even sings the song, but I do remember first hearing it on Pandora, so here is the Youtube version, I love this song!



Okay the praise break is over!  Now yesterday..a pretty decent eating day.

Breakfast: Coffee

Mid Am snack:  1/2 Grapefruit

Lunch:  Mahi Mahi Filet w/ steamed spnach & the other 1/2 of my grapefruit

Mid Afternoon Munchies:  Blueberries (they are so yummy & so addicting!)

Dinner:  None...I was honestly not hungry! 

Workout:  None

Wednesday Wrap-Up

The day started off rather rocky.  I was knocked out, in a coma-like sleep!  I did not want to get up...I overslept! But made it in the nick of time to catch the bus to get to work.  Phew! So after the frantic morning, the day moved into tears, brokenness, and a deep desire for change, growth and repentance.  The perfectionist that I am hate making mistakes.  On Sunday I realized..or better yet...I had an epiphany...that I had made a grave mistake.  Today, the feelings of remorse continued, but the repentance came forth, then came understanding.  It was a mistake I had to make, so I not do it again.  It gave a whole new perspective and understanding to Galatians 1:10, "For do I persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men?  for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ."

Okay I am done being deep! :0)  Now unto the good stuff.  I was sitting at work debating should I go to spin class or should I just go home.  I went back and forth for a while and I decided to go home.  I got home, and honestly just had a desire to walk my neighborhood.  I changed my clothes, grabbed by tennis shoes, Iphone, headphones and off I went. It felt great!  I spent just about an hour walking cover a little over 3 miles and had a fantastic time!  I made the right choice...it was a perfect time to walk!

Breakfast
     Yogi Berry Detox Tea
     Breakfast Burrito (oops, they had some left overs in the office)

Mid AM Snack
     Coffee

Lunch
     Salad

Mid Afternoon/Pre-walk Snack
     1 piece of chicken breast

Dinner
     Steamed Mahi Mahi
     Steamed Spinach

Workout
     1 hour neighborhood walk; 3.25 miles completed
Workout Map & Stats by Endomondo.com:
http://www.endomondo.com/workouts/vLArOqITErA

Night Night don't let the bed bugs bite!

Truly the Grace of God...

I just wanted to take a quick moment out of my workday to say a little something on my blog.  It has been over 2 weeks now! 

Things have been challenging for me the last couple of weeks.  I'm okay I am happy to report though the storms of life have arrived and though they have tried to overtake me....I truly am at peace!  Things happen unexpectedly in life, we all know that, but people always say its how to react to them that affect how they effect you.  LOL!  That's quite the tongue twister I typed!  HaHa! 

I don't deserve the grace of God, nor do I deserve the Favor of God. But because I am a child of God, he gives grace, mercry and favor overabundantly in my life.  I am truly grateful.  I know I don't pray as often as I should, I don't spend the time with Him as I should...but still, My God is yet with me, yet covering me, yet protecting me, yet giving me peace that has truly surpassed ALL OF MY understanding.  This God that I serve is truly a gracious, loving God.  To Him and Him only do I belong.  The storm is not over, I am still in the middle of yet, but its okay for the storm lasts another day, another month, or another 3 months.  I really am cool.  I welcome the opportunity to struggle...I am not gonna say suffer, Jesus Suffered.  He was beaten many times, nailed, spit on, etc, I can't call what I am going through suffering, I am only struggling.  But this struggle is really showing me more of the Heart of my Creator.   This, if nothing else, is a humbling experience.

Quiet day of reflection...

Still under the weather not many exciting things to report.  But I do have some things that caught me off gaurd that just put me in a place to reflect and be happy.

Oddly enough I got into the office this morning, sat at my cubicle and one of the office doors in front of me was open.  I looked in the office, out the window and the sky and the cloud pattern was remarkably beautiful to me!  I tried to capture it on my phone, not sure the picture captures the beauty I saw, but it brought just a sense of peace and relaxation to me!

Breakfast:  Lively Lemonade Detox Drink from Leaf Organics

Lunch:  Cobb Salad w/ Bleu Cheese Dressing

Dinner:  5 piece Hot Wing & Potato Wedges

Late Night Drink:     Druid Detox Drink from Leaf Organics

I made a pit stop to ABS Club LA to visit Jen.  I was going to attempt to go to Group Training tonight, but Jen & Alain said no and that I should wait until I am feeling better. So no training for me today either.  I never thought I would ever utter these words, but I miss my workouts, I miss spin class! 

Well tonight I was browsing old pictures of myself.  Looking at where I was, where I am now, and where I desire to be.  It's very nostalgic!  It's such a relief ... I don't know how else to explain it.  I life long struggle, a life long battle, that I continually lost..I'm finally showing some signs of victory, some signs of progress.  Makes me very emotional, makes me very humble and makes me extremely grateful!  To all things there really is a season.  After all the times of trying...who knew this would be the time?  I sit..astonished! 

Saturday Recap....

Just a very quick post to keep myself accountable and to remind myself that I have a goal that I must continue to work towards.

My eats on Saturday were a bit strange!  Quanity wise, I did not eat much.  The stuff I ate had little to no nutritional value.

So hear is what I ate:
     Hot Dog
    Salsa Verde Doritos
    Slurpee (cherry & Coke Mix)
    Icee frozen pop
    3 tacos
    Steak Quesadilla
    Pepsi
    Cheetos

Saturday was kinda like a semi-depression day.  Why do you ask?  Well earlier this week I got paid.  And on the same day as my direct deposit I had some "unrecognized transactions" in my checking account.  So called Citibank to inform them.  So here it is Saturday October 2nd, and I went to the bank to get a money order to pay my rent.  And now I have $22 to my name until the 15th.  I have an SUV that is needs gas, bills that need to be paid.  I'd like to have food in the house.  But how does one do all that with $22?  Sigh.  It's one of my life's challenges.  I never seem to have enough money to go around.

The Lesson of Trusting in God has been an ongoing test.  One I have yet to pass.  It's a struggle for me..but i guess in every situation and every trial there is an opportunity for me to choose to trust or worry.  Trust or Worry, trust or worry.  For some odd reason I always go to worry!  How or when will my mind click over to just automatically trusting? 

Ugh...a day of lots of internal struggles.

After coming off of my weekend eating binge, I guess todays eats was okay.  A big improvement from the last 3 days.  I did not keep a good calorie count today, So I am not sure where I am calorie wise but here is what I ate today.

Breakfast
     White Chocolate Latte

Snack
     Apple

Lunch
    Salad (homemade)

Snack
     White Chocolate Mocha
      Slice of Pumpkin Bread

Dinner
     Hot link w/ mustard & relish
     Hot dog bun

Workouts
     I made it into the gym, but that is about all that got done.  At 8:30ish the durn gym was still packed.  There was not an empty treadmill or elliptical.  So I grabbed my stuff and left.  To make matters worse, I got back to my car and I am leaving the parking garage for the gym...and for the whole 15 minutes I was in there it cost me $8 to park my car!  That was the most expensive 15 minutes of my life!  Sigh.

I need to pray and get some things off my chest, I am heavy right now.  I am hurt, I am hearing the little child in me kicking and screaming saying "I don't wanna"  I hear the sound of fear in my voice.  I am feeling myself trembling because of my worry and my fear.  All I could do on hte car ride home was cry.  I know my tears don't move God, but I literally felt numb today.  All that could come out of me was tears..I can't formulate words to express the pain...but there is pain to my core. 

Month One in Review...

August 28th came so quickly!  That being said, its been my first month of committed excercise and eating better.  Yes committed...I have had many false starts!  This time it is a committed effort, a real push and determination to do better, to do right, to be healthy and more importantly to be in the will of God. 
It has been a hard month.  Full of obstacles, trials, temptations, frustrations, disappionments & discouragements...But...it all worked together for my good! 

Things I have learned during Month One

• There is a cost for each and every bad choice
• Be mentally prepared to fight.  This journey is also about mental toughness & stamina
• Don't give up
• Just move...Be mobile...Do Something!
• Yes, I can do all things, but I have to do!!  The Holy Ghost is a helper not a doer.  So once I am doing, He can help!  ~~Thank you Bishop Ellis! 
• Stay alert, be watchful, stay in prayer to gain instruction and strength
• Stop trying to justify what I do.  wrong is wrong, right is right. 
• Don't be short sighted.  This is a journey!
• Journey:  a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time - Random House Dictionary
• Be patient...Endure to the End
• The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, but he who endures to the end shall be saved. 
• Knowledge is no good if it's not put to use.  Put to use the things you have learned about eating & excercising.  I can honestly say God has put some people in my life over the last 6 years that have taught me alot. 
• This I did not learn during this month, but it is something I always want to keep in the forefront of my mind.  God will get the Glory out of my weight loss..so I say this now and will say this daily on the journey...TO GOD BE THE GLORY! 

Month One Weight Recap...
Starting Weight on 7/28/10:  377lbs
Weight on 8/9/10:                 361lbs
Weight on 8/25/10:               363lbs
Total Weight loss for the month:  14 pounds!   Wooohoooo!!
That is something to celebrate!!!  Thank you Jesus for real...cause this was a hard!  I thank you for making this journey with me!  I love you!

Kyra


   

Weekend Update

What it do?  LOL!  I have always wanted to say that!
Well my weekend journalling didn't happen.  I got home Friday and could not get on the internet.  I was whatever I will deal with tomorrow but of course never did.  I tried the internet again today and it still doesn't work so I put in a call at Time warner.  The tech support man has no idea what is wrong, he says its either the modem or the lines.  I bet its the lines....I downgraded my service so I bet the did something stupid which causes my modem not to work, but I digress!

Friday, Saturday and Sunday....horrible eating days!  I was on the run all weekend and I did not pack up my food.  So I made some really bad food choices while I was out.  Sunday I redeemed myself and ate better and got my tail in the gym to work out.  So weekends are any area that will need vast improvement!

I got my hurrr did today...I went old school and did a wet set.  I am typing right now with rollers in my hair.  I should take a picture!  It's rather comical!

I got insulted on Saturday...one of my beloved neighbors told me I needed to get my butt in the gym an lose weight!  Can you believe it?  Not to worry friends, Shenequeh did manifest and start rolling her eyes and neck at him.  She just let it be. 

Now today the insult was covered with a wonderful compliment.  As I was buyiing my rollers at the beauty supply shop, I happened to tell the cashier guy that my birthday was next Sunday, and he goes what is it, your 23rd birthday?  I said no it will be my 32nd birthday, and he goes really wow, i was way off!  LOL...Do I look 23?   People say I look young...but dang do I look 23 young?

Bad food choices of the weekend:
Pizza
Jack in the box Ultimate Cheeseburger
Rallys Double cheeseburger
French fries
Dr. Pepper
Cheetos

Good Food choices of the weekend:
Oatmeal
chicken Sandwich
Baked chicken

Goal for next week:  Stay on target with my eating and excercising so I can have a "free" day on my birthday!  Work out 6 days a week, and keep calories under 1200 between Monday-Saturday!

Niblets for thought: 

1. We say that there is nothing to hard for God.  But have you asked yourself is there something too hard to believe God for?
2. Obedience is easy...all it will cost you is your self-will.  So look inward...are you really ready to let go.

That's all folks! 

Kyra aka Big Perm! 
Fit for Purpose

Weight Loss: The Battle of the Mind!

LOL...I am not trying to steal phrases from Joyce Meyer, but today truly was a battle of my mind.  Weight Loss for me is just as mental as it is physical excercise and proper eating.  Why?  Let me tell you about me.  I am the one that loves to eat, I am the one that any craving she had she fullfilled.  So when I want something to eat I ate, whether hungry or not.  When I try to stop eating certain things to diet, my mind/body talks me.  Yes your body talks to you...that's what cravings are, it's your body saying I want xxx.  Fill in xxx as it pertains to you! 

So after yesterdays exhausting and trying day...I overslept!  Here I am on the freeway on my way to work, tired, sleeping, and yawning.  My body says "you need coffee"  and " you should get a croissant" then he right voice in me says, no no no.  Just eat the salad you already prepared for your breakfast.  I kid you not..I was having this conversation in my head the whole hour drive to work this morning.  I get to the office...and where do you think I ended up?  Coffee Bean ordering a White Chocolate Latte & a pepperjack cheese croissant.    A complete waste of calories!  I regreted eating it...I really did.  I fell for the oldest trick in the book.  But what could do?  I shook that off and said okay we'll be sticking to the food plan for the rest of the day. 

Food Log
Breakfast:  Coffee Bean Fiasco...no need to discuss again!
Mid AM snack: 1/2 banana
Lunch:  Protein Shake w/ 1/2 banana
Dinner:  Salad with tuna
Surprisingly I came in a little over 1400 calories.  I could have done so much better ... but breakfast was over 500 calories!  Absolutely craziness!

The battle did not end there.  Throughout the day I had visions of Cheetos & Doritos dangling in my head!  I was not hungry, but I guess my body wanted snacks.  This is when drinking water helps me.  On the drive home tonight, I had visions of Wingstong & El Pollo Loco.  But I resisted, the fall I had this morning was enough for me to stay on track for the rest of the day.

The other battle of my mind today was about excercise.  Since I overslept this morning, I did not make it to the gym this morning.  I was talking to a friend and we had plans to go workout after work.  We talked this morning and I told her how tired I was, and how sore I was.  And by the end of hte conversation, I said I think I will make today a rest day, I think my body needs a rest!  Later on in the day...reality sets in... Rest day?  Rest day?  Are you serious, a rest day?  That is a big negative, I am working out today.  And that I did.  I went back to Kenneth Hahn Park and walked.  Spent another 45 - 50 minutes out there. 

My take-away for the day:  God is faithful, He will not allow my temptations to be more than I can stand.  When I am tempted He will show me a way out, so that I can endure. 

Kyra
Fit for Purpose