Saturday, January 3, 2015

3 Days in...

Start the third day of the New Year!  There is so much in my head and my heart, I don't know if I can contain it in a post!

My excitement for the New Year continues.  With that excitement comes some serious heart and life issue that I must deal with.  It is so easy for me to fall into guilt, shame, and depression, when I consider what all I have to take care of! 

I started off the New Year with one of my loves, take pictures.  I started 2015 at a neighborhood park watching the first sun rise of the year.  This is my second year doing this, and it is the most amazing thing.  Yes the sun rises every year, but it just seems like that first sun rise is better.  It was really cold that morning..39 degrees.  When I got to the park it was dark, I was alone, no one was there yet.  I didn't want to get cold and for safety reasons I stayed in the car until my friend showed up.  Even the the moments of darkness in my car, my eyes caught these 2 amazing trees in front of me.  They were beautiful!  My eyes began to wander and again, I caught a glimpse of lights coming from some of the houses in the neighboring hills.  I don't know what it is, but the smallest light in darkness is so pretty.  My eyes kept wandering around the darkness and much to my surprise I could see the highrises of downtown Los Angeles!  Here I am at a park maybe 12-15 miles away and in the darkness, I can make out the lights and words on the buildings.  I could see Citibank, U.S. Bank, Aon...amazing!  That made me get out of the car with my camera in hand.  I was determined to get a good shot of Downtown in this darkness!  Well all my attempts falled, it was so cold my hands were shaking and every picture was blurry!  Oh well I said, I got back in the car...and boom...Life lesson! 

Even in the darkest of situation there is good, there is beauty!  Darkness is not blindness!  As dark as it was, my eyes were fully functioning and I could see.   I saw alot in the darkness!  But why?  Because I took the time to look!  It made me think of that scripture ears to hear, eyes to see.  Clearly not a direct bible quote, but you get the gist.  We have eyes, but are we using them to see what is around us?  We really don't have to be succumb to the darkness around us.  Yes there is a lot of darkness and lots of bad times, but in those bad and dark times, there is something of beauty in it, there is someting good in it.  I just have to make my eyes wander and look for the good!

My friend arrived and we ventured to spot where we thought we'd see the sun come up.  I have noticed that the sun likes to play and hide and seek.  We stood in area looking for the colors in the sky to change and we saw nothing.  We walked over to another area, in the same park and the sky was completely different.  We could see the oranges, and the reds and the yellows. We knew that the sun was coming up over here!  Now the sky is pretty darn big, but its amazing how at that moment time.  the sky was many different colors.  If you looked one way, you could see "sunrise" colors, another area it was grayish blue, and in another area it was completely blue and very light, like the sun had already came up!  It takes but a few minutes from the moment we saw the sun peak up from behind the mountain to it full risen state.  The sunrise is beautiful, but its the changing in the sky that always captures my attention.  It's like God puts on a pre-show before the sun comes up!  Those 15-20 minutes before the sunrise is just spectacular! 

After my sunrise adventure I meet a friend for breakfast.  We don't hang out that often but when we do, we seem to always have these heartfelt conversations.  I don't really consider myself a people person, and certainly don't open up to people.  But somehow this friend, that I have only known for a short time, I feel comfortable with.  I tell her things, that I have never told anyone.  She is really easy to talk to and she gets me, well I think she gets me.  She understands what I am trying to say when I can't really phrase it well.  So after our 2 hours in Ihop...yes we ate and sat in IHOP talking for 2 hours! She left, saying well, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to check in on you, to make sure you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.  I told her that was fine, I needed the help.  Even me saying I need help, is a big step, but we'll save that one for another day.

Friday (day 2 of the New Year) nothing to Epic to write about.  I had to work, just is just so useless, so boring.  I hate being there, I really do.  But I need a pay check. 

So here we are the beginning of day 3.  What a day it has already been!  My doctor had recommended to me that I attend these overeaters anonymous meetings.  TRUTH:  when she first recommended it, in my head I said, I am not going.  I really refused to go, and every time she asked about hte meetings, I made up an excuse as to why I had not gone.  I had my monthly check in with my doctor and in her usual fashion she asked if I started the meetings.  I said no, and again said, but I will.  Full well knowing I had no real intention of going!  Something changed with me from Dec 15th to Dec 31st, because here I was on the computer when I got back from Vegas looking for a meeting I could attend.  I sent 2 emails and I got one response and here I am, January 3rd, I have attended my first meeting. 

Most of the meeting was alot of talking.  Which we all know I am not a fan of, but there were some things that were said that were helpful and motivational for me. 
  1. God will do for me what I can not do for myself
  2. I am among equals, I am not better than and I am not less than.  We are all equals
  3. Admit you are Powerless
  4. Ask for Help (again a discussion for a later date)
  5. Feeling disconnected is essentially lacking love
  6. Ask God to change your perception
I could write ooodles on these,, and like I said it was random people talking.  People went forward and shared there experiences and these are some of the things said that rang true for me.  Looking over this list, that I wrote.  on the back of a christmas card I had in my purse since I didn't bring a notebook, much of it relates to things I put on my vision board. 

As with anything new and with my overly critical nature on the drive home, my thoughts about the meeting ran through my head.  Thoughts of well I didn't like this, I don't like that, I am not sure if this is for me.  I got off the freeway and decided to stop at the 99 cent store for a notebook.  I figure I will need a notebook just for these meetings.  I parked  and I sat in the car for a while and bursted out in tears!  TRUTH:  On the drive from Santa Monica to the 99cent Store I had almost talked myself out of continuing these meetings.  TRUTH: It was in the few moments of just sitting in the car I realized I have a problem with asking for help!  I sent a text to my pastor while I was sitting in the parking lot.  My text was: 
There is a part of me that likes being a problem solver.  But I'm the problem and I can't fix me.
The response:  Yes, now we can surrender to God

Which made me think of #1:  God will do for me what I can't for myself. 

The words I Can't as of today, January 3 have a completely new meaning for me.  I can't do this in my own strength, I can't do this on my own period...I need help, I can't rely on will power.  I will rely On Jesus, cause HE WILL do everything. 

So on that note, I end this post.  There is much more to say.  I could talk about how this has exposed a whole other area of PRIDE, UNBELIEF, etc, but enough has been said.  I have 362 other opportunities to write and I am sure at some point all these things will be discussed or at least come up again.

But now I need to rename this blog...It's no longer just about Fitness.  It's about everything.  At somepoint the name will change not sure, but if you come on here and see a new name, you'll know why.


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